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50 Shades of Grey

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50 Shades of Grey

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Dakota Johnson, Jamie Dornan, Luke Grimes, Eloise Mumford, Victor Rasuk, Rita Ora, Marcia Harden

Literature student Anastasia Steele's life changes forever when she meets a handsome, yet tormented billionaire named Christian Grey.

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3.0

50 Shades of Beige

I saw 50 Shades of Gray out of curiosity. I’d read half the first novel, so knew somewhat what to expect.

I was curious about whether or not the casting of the film reflected a sexy enough Mr Gray, and a plain enough Anastasia.

I was curious about how the hell they were going to depict the sex scenes and use of sex toys without being restricted to redtube or Pornhub.

I was especially curious to judge whether or not the film really did glorify violence against women.

Seeing the film within the first week of its release, I was risking looking like either a) a diehard fan of shitty literature, or b) a pent up cat lady desperate for some soft-core porn. But hey, that 20th century affliction FOMO spurred me on albeit with a tightarse Tuesday ticket.

Jamie Dornan, you sexy Mr Gray. With a body to rival Magic Mike’s, and that element of arsehole broodiness which seems to make men just so appealing, if I were Anastasia Steele, I sure would have signed away my freewill quicker than you could say ‘I’m still a virgin’.

Regarding the casting of Dakota Johnson as Anastasia was fine. Not a classic beauty but with a body fat radio to die for, she was fittingly naive and beige for a character which really is supposed to be blank enough for the audience to ‘insert their own adventure’ no pun intended.

Anastasia serves as a vessel for delicious sexy things to happen to. She’s not really supposed to be particularly exciting a character...more the audience is left to be excited by the idea of being her. So by keeping her two dimensional, anyone could be her. Stick to the housewife soft porn, let’s not get bogged down in character development.

To be honest, I would have loved to see Chris Hemsworth as Christian Gray. Or maybe I just want to see Chris Hemsworth making love to a woman and pretending I’m her. It’s hard to tell, the lines get blurry.

The sex scenes were, in a word, tasteful. She, very skinny and sans brazilian. He, very muscular and knows how to move dem hips. As for the use of whips n chains, I was reading up on maritime knotting whilst bored on a boat one time and recognised some techniques put to use. It wasn’t offensive or shocking, and there was no suggestion of some of the sex toys that appear in the book - probably to keep the censorship rating down.

Did the film glorify violence against women? Within the context of the film, I didn’t think so. I think the boundary pushing was explorative more than anything else. However there’s a big debate to be had here, and with violence against women and domestic violence in general a pretty serious issue in 2015 Australia, I think it’s important to highlight the debate around the films release so that deadbeat morons who can’t differentiate between dove gray and slate grey don’t get confused.

Three really important things seem to have gone without mention anywhere so far!

1) Why did Anastasia not insist upon all new equipment being bought for the playroom?! I’m sorry but if that was me, I ain’t into no second-hand whips n cuffs thank you very much. Get me that new shit sans some other ho’s bodily fluids.
2) There is nothing less attractive than a naked man who is still wearing socks. I’m not 100% certain (because I was distracted by the pelvis), but I am pretty sure that Christian Gray committed this offence.
3) Christian Gray can plait hair! This is not to be underestimated as a positive trait in the man who will one day be getting our children ready for school.

Overall the movie was tedious. The book really is just a carriageway for sex scenes and fantasy fodder for ladies with an imagination, and the movie was restricted in really indulging this by virtue of its rating. Basically there wasn’t enough of a storyline or enough sex to keep me truly engaged...maybe I am that pent up cat lady after all. For the record, I don’t own a cat.

3 Stars – beige but sexy. Plus who doesn’t want a man who can fly his own helicopter.

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